Being 30, or an adult for that matter, sucks for any of a thousand reasons. Bills pile up, as do gassy things in your body, and your parents won’t pay for Karate. Around October though, some of that melts away. I still haven’t distilled the feeling down to words yet, because there is some longing in there too.
I can buy all the candy I can handle. I can stock up on all my favorite movies. I can wait for that one perfect October Saturday that the Midwest always experiences, when the rain spits out of a gray sky.
I can watch the movies, eat the candy, stay indoors. It’s never quite the same though.
It’s never the same without your friends.
I haven’t had a drink in 9 months, but before that I drank just about every night for 3 years, maybe less, I don’t remember. People move on very quickly when you stand still. In that time babies were born, homes bought, and god knows what else. I was in a whiskey bottle under a board in the floor,
Well I was dug out of that shitty bottled that smelled like pee pee. I am in the sun and crawling around like a primordial douche-man-beast-child. I am still terrified of my friends, I feel shame. I know they won’t think any less of me but still, I missed a lot of important things.
So I am literally sitting here with some shitty horror I have been meaning to see, candy, with a window cracked to feel the chilly air. It just feels weird, “autumnal melancholy” I guess. Maybe I will google that later and find that was a tattoo Dahmer had on his inner thigh, just my luck.